I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
