I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
