finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
