you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
