Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
