Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
