You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
