I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
