I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
