I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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