I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
