Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
