dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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