i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
