you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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