Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
