he was CRYING into my vagina
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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