i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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