Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
