His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
