My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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