Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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