so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
