Jerry, you need to find god
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
