you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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