That's intense
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
