Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
