god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
