someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
