had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
