it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want to make out with him forever
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
