just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
