Will you blow on my dice?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
