Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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