I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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