He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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