My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
