I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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