I just cut my nipple shaving
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
