Your face is a jimmy john
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This is my gift to your gina
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
