You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i would punch a child for taco bell
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
