Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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