dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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