I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I will be naked everywhere
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
