I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
