I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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