I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
