Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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