just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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