i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
