Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
