I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
