I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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