your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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