He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
