I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
