Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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