Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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