it was like eating out sand paper
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
