My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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